One question that I always find myself thinking about is who
would win in a fight: Jack Burton or Snake Plissken. Every time I’m watching
Big Trouble in Little China, I think, “Oh, Jack would totally win”, but then
I’ll watch Escape from New York/L.A. and I think to myself, “What am I crazy?!
Snake could definitely take Jack!” I know some of you may be thinking,
“Heather, how does one choose which Kurt Russell is superior?” So let’s break
it down:
Their Mission:
Jack Burton, a sort of doofy truck driver, has to rescue two
green eyed ladies from the clutches of the creepy David Lo Pan.
Snake Plissken, a former war hero turned criminal, has to
enter into the heavily guarded maximum-security prison of Manhattan in order to
rescue the President.
Winner:
Even though Snake has a huge job of saving the President and
making sure he gets to the super important summit meeting, Jack gets the babes.
Weapon(s) of Choice:
Jack uses both a TEC-9 and a knife that he so cleverly
keeps in his boot.
Snake uses everything from modified Mac-10s, .357 Magnums
and throwing stars.
Winner:
Obviously, Snake. His time in the war gave him an extensive
knowledge of how to handle different varieties of weapons and he does not
hesitate to use them.
Skill Level:
I think the only real shot Jack actually landed was when he
threw his little knife into Lo Pan’s head. (It's all in the reflexes.)
Again, Snake is a military man who mows down anyone in his
path.
Winner:
Snake. I wonder how that makes Jack feel losing to a
guy with only one eye.
Sidekick:
Jack has Wang, who despite his size has insane martial art
skills.
Snake has Cabbie, whose name says it all, he drives a cab.
Winner:
Jack. While Cabbie is sitting around complaining, Wang is kung
fu fighting and he is fast as lightning.
Bad Guy:
Jack has to go up against David Lo Pan, an ancient magician who
shoots light from his mouth and has really long fingernails.
Snake has the Duke of New York, who basically rules the
entire city.
Winner:
Snake. Not only does the Duke run the whole city, but also Isaac
Hayes plays him. As in Shaft, can ya dig it?
Friends:
Jack has the Chang Sing, who are a group of martial arts
experts, and the old wizard Egg Shen.
Snake has Brian and his girlfriend.
Winner:
Jack. Brian talks a big game about knowing the layout of the
minefield on the bridge, and then proceeds to blow his own ass up on one; Egg
has a Six-Daemon Bag and potions.
Obstacles:
Jack has to deal with the Wing Kong, more kung-fu guys; the
“Three Storms”, who are just supernatural martial arts guys; the Lords of
Death, a Chinese street gang; and a variety of other monsters and a floating
mass of eyeballs.
Snake has the Crazies, the sewer dwellers who are much like
C.H.U.Ds; a big bald wrestler dude; and oh yeah, an entire island filled with
violent prisoners.
Winner:
Snake. Jack may have had all the weird magic stuff to deal with,
but Snake has to deal with C.H.U.Ds and no one wants that.
Mode of Transportation:
Jack has his trusty semi the Pork Chop Express.
Snake has the fancy Gull Flyer, which is a super stealthy
plane.
Winner:
Jack. Snake’s plane may be cool, but Jack’s baby can hit 6.5
on the Richter scale.
Outfit:
Jack’s got the 80’s jeans with a Buddha/snake/sun tank top.
Snake’s goes for the more subtle black tank top and what
looks like snake skin leggings.
Winner:
Snake. Seriously, those babies are tight.
Morale:
Jack does the best he can to keep it together under
unreasonable circumstances.
Snake answers everyone who says that they thought he was
dead with the oh so emo response of “I AM dead.”
Winner:
Snake. How can you argue with that kinda conviction?
Misc.:
Jack has some pretty sweet one-liners, “Son of a bitch must
pay!”
Snake not only escaped from New York, but L.A. as well.
Winner:
Snake. He’s one tough cookie.
Overall: Sorry, Jack, but it looks like Snake may have just
swept the floor with ya.
So, there we have it. Based on these statistics, it looks
like Snake could totally take Jack in a fight. Do you agree? Let me know!
